evolving with your circle
Only a few blinks removed from December of last year and here we are, already 3 months into 2024. The cliché “time flies” has been circulating my mind more than usual these days. Last weekend I visited my best friend and his son, whom I proudly claim as my nephew, at their home in Hoboken. My nephew, who’s one of the most charismatic two-year-old’s you’ll ever have the pleasure of meeting, is now speaking in full sentences, and undoubtedly comprehends everything his tiny ears can capture. It’s been months since I last spent time with him, back when he could barely say “mama” or “dada”, and carrying him felt much lighter.
I have no kids of my own. My profession entails interacting with adults around 30 and older. My younger sisters are practically all grown up now, so I’m hardly around children outside of family parties. You know, the Puerto Rican parties where the moms and tia’s put the younger children to sleep on top of all the coats when it gets late and the parents want to continue partying. Therefore, each time I visit my nephew our visits serve as time stamps. Much needed reminders on how swift life truly moves.
Watching him evolve is a blessing, and surreal. His wit, his charm, his exceptional communication skills. The way he absolutely adores his grandmother, a beautiful Dominican woman whom I consider a second mom. The remarkable bond he has with his dad. His father has been one of my best friends since elementary school. Around 10 years of age, you could find both of us playing street football in the dirt outside our humble apartments in the projects. As I tossed a toy football back and forth with my nephew, which, may I add, he was catching and tossing the football right back to me quite perfectly, I realized that not only is this wonderful toddler evolving right before my eyes… so is his father, my best friend.
In truth, our small circle of friends has never stopped evolving. The older we grow, the busier we become. The vast majority of our development process isn't celebrated, spoken about, nor reflected on. Not because we aren’t proud of one another, we certainly are. And definitely not because we aren’t collectively supportive, we always have been. I believe that because we’re so zeroed in on our goals, journeys, and responsibilities, we’re less cognizant of the proper time and attention that should be given to our close circle of friends. We don’t realize how valuable it is to know that we have the utmost support from each other every step of the way as we ascend into adulthood.
In addition to living alone for the last four years, I’ve also been working remotely. It’s safe to say that the last five years of my life have easily been the most isolated period I’ve experienced. I grew up playing sports, surrounded by teammates on football, basketball and baseball teams. My family is enormous. So immense that we could unintentionally run into one another, unplanned, in any corner of the world. I grew up around so many cousins and extended-family members that I struggle to think of a time when I wasn’t absolutely smothered by laughter and love as a child. This stayed constant throughout high school and college, where I was fortunate enough to play collegiate football and also joined a fraternity.
Reflecting on my own personal journey, right around the age of 24 at the beginning of the Covid-19 pandemic is where I can trace a substantial distance felt throughout my close-knit circle of friends. A feeling that I couldn’t quite pin-point then, but now understand fully as I consider the last few months. Distance that in my opinion isn’t intentional whatsoever, but rather just a part of this phase of life we find ourselves in. The frightening yet beautifully freeing phrase as you approach the Golden Age of 30.
Whenever my friends get together, the laughs, smiles and jokes are ceaseless. Our bond of brotherhood is undeniable. Happiness all around just seems to soar, without any of us addressing it. For me it almost feels like an escape. The combination of work, personal projects, and various life goals creates an overwhelming concoction of anxiety and stress. Whenever I’m with my friends, we could literally just sit and listen to nostalgic music while an NBA game is on and feel like we’re back in 8th grade watching LeBron take on the Celtics (during his first tenure in Cleveland).
I tend to forget about all the “real life” things I have going on and just indulge in the moment. To share moments where everything seemingly slows down to a pace that you can fully embrace and enjoy is an astounding feeling, especially when life tends to operate at a rapid frequency. It wasn’t until I witnessed my man-child of a nephew running around an apartment that his father and I used to run around in, that I chose to dive deep into some research on the vital roles that our close friend groups play in our lives. Especially as we grow older.
According to a study by The American Journal of Psychiatry, people who have friends and close confidants are more satisfied with their lives and less likely to suffer from depression. They’re also less likely to die from all causes, including heart problems and a range of chronic diseases.
In addition, emerging evidence has shown that social pain—the painful feelings that follow from social rejection, exclusion, or loss—relies on some of the same neural regions that process physical pain, highlighting a possible physical-social pain overlap.
Out of dozens of captivating articles I came across, these two were the ones that stood out due to the mental and physical harm that’s possible if your close friendships aren’t frequently watered. Rather than take you down a rabbit hole of more statistics, here are some proactive ideas to think about, and some reminders on why we should all continue to nurture our close friendships.
Prioritize weekly check-ins. In person exchanges are always preferred, but since life does happen and schedules gain more difficulty regarding alignment as we age, try using that wonderful piece of technology in your pocket to call or FaceTime your friends. Whether it’s just to say hi and crack jokes, or simply catch each other up on life. You never know what people are going through. A ten-minute check-in could enlighten someone's day.
It’s imperative to celebrate each win, large or small. Take valuable time to acknowledge and celebrate the successes of your friends. Celebrating huge occasions such as birthdays and anniversaries should be second nature, but also pay attention to smaller, more personal goals. Things like promotions, achieving weight loss goals, or even attending a sporting event that your friend’s child is participating in. I can’t wait till my nephew starts playing sports. That crazy uncle in the stands shall be me.
Take advantage of intimate time. Simply put, whenever you and your cliqué are together as a unit, put the darn phones away. Of course take pictures to keep for memories, but give the social apps and less important things a break. They’ll be there after dinner, I promise.
I tend to heavily reflect on my life as I approach each birthday. Within the next 3 weeks, I’ll officially have just one more year before I turn 30. I’m just as excited as I am frightened, and that’s okay. I honestly couldn’t be happier with the life I’ve led thus far. It truly feels like somehow my crazy ass found a way to tightly pack four hundred years into just 28. I thank God for such an extraordinary life. One of the most important elements that I believe has supported me along the way to fulfillment and happiness, is my remarkable circle of friends. And for that, I consider myself the luckiest guy in the world.
With these ordinary thoughts in mind, please make sure that you love, respect and honor your people, and do not hesitate to constantly remind them about their crucial roles in your life. Evolving with your circle is vital to your existence.
