the arrival fallacy
and other lies we tell ourselves about success
I’ve been trekking for a while now.
And just when I thought I reached solid ground, I discovered mud.
Mud.
More mud.
Well, at least that’s the narrative I’ve been crafting for the last several months. The ground beneath my feet feels unstable. I’m uncomfortable here.
I've recently come face to face with myself at a crossroads. On one hand, I think about little Cybele who dreamt to the soundtrack of Nas’ I Know I Can about the life she has now. The accolades, degrees, and experiences. The independence. Then, boom. I feel the weight in my other hand where I hold the heft of discontent.
For what felt like forever, I couldn’t quite define the feeling that was weighing me down. It felt isolating, though I knew I wasn’t alone. The few people in my life to whom I described this feeling all had either previously felt or were currently experiencing the same existential dread.
But I worked so hard for this. I told them. Why doesn’t it feel good?
I’ve even had the privilege of connecting with over a dozen artists in the last few weeks (thanks to this amazing community!) and together, we’ve pondered the wide range of despair that comes with being a creative of color, an entrepreneur, an overachiever, and everything else. Feelings such as:
Comparison
Self-Doubt
The list goes on. But, why didn’t any of these seem to accurately describe what I’ve been feeling lately? The discomfort was eating me. C’mon, Cybele. You have an amazing life. I told myself.
You’re doing everything you need to be doing. You are on your way…
… On your way.
And when I least expected it, while on the brink of accepting dissatisfaction as my new normal, the answer appeared. (If I could throw fairy dust through the screen, this would be the moment I do that.)
I was at the park during my usual morning stroll, dogs in tow. I pulled out my phone to catch up on the latest music that dropped over the weekend and there it was on my Spotify homepage, a new episode from one of my favorite podcasts on “the arrival fallacy.”
The arrival fallacy, a term coined by psychologist Tal Ben-Shahar, encapsulates the deceptive belief that once we reach a certain milestone or goal, happiness and fulfillment will follow suit.
It operates on the premise that achieving a specific goal will culminate in lasting happiness and fulfillment, placing undue emphasis on future achievements. It's the belief that once we secure that dream job, reach a certain income level, or attain a coveted accolade, all our worries and struggles will magically dissipate.
Though many of us have experienced this firsthand, the notion couldn't be further from the truth. The arrival fallacy sets us up for disappointment and disillusionment. It creates an insatiable hunger for external validation, leading us to chase after hollow markers of success without considering their true significance or the value of the process it took us to achieve those goals. We become so fixated on reaching the next milestone or chasing the high of happiness, that we overlook the inherent joy and meaning found in the present moment. Worse, we tell ourselves that happiness is a destination.
In my rabbit hole of research following that walk in the park, I was reminded of another theory I had learned about in a college psych class: the hedonistic cycle. This theory had fled my mind for the last few years, but remembering it has brought me some closure. So, maybe it’ll help you, too.
Like the arrival fallacy, the hedonistic cycle (or, the hedonic treadmill), deals with human happiness and satisfaction. While the arrival fallacy tells us happiness is a destination, the hedonic treadmill tells us that once we reach a state of happiness, it begins to feel neutral and the happiness fades. (Yes, there’s more to it. Read here.) Think about being on a treadmill, eventually, you adjust to that speed or that incline that was once extremely difficult for you. We tell ourselves the only way to get better, or be better, is to crank it up a notch. Subconsciously, the narrative is if we’re not happy, then something is wrong. But we’re human! We are meant to feel the full range of human emotions, none more important than the other.
Both the arrival fallacy and the hedonistic cycle point to the process of chasing happiness, and the human tendency to flee the present moment for future possibilities. So, how can we combat the arrival fallacy and reclaim our sense of fulfillment? It starts by recognizing that true happiness is not a destination to be reached but a journey to be embraced. It's about finding meaning and purpose in pursuing our goals, rather than fixating solely on the result. It’s about detaching goals from how they’ll make you feel and instead focusing on what they’ll allow you to do.
For many of us navigating non-traditional career paths, the pressure to climb the proverbial ladder can be overwhelming. We're driven by a desire to prove ourselves, to defy the odds stacked against us, and to pave the way for future generations. Yet, amidst the hustle and bustle of professional conquests, it's easy to lose sight of what truly matters.
Cliché, maybe, but happiness resides within us, waiting to be discovered amidst the messy, imperfect, and beautifully human journey of life. Choosing to be happy, instead of waiting to be happy, is a revolutionary act.
So, here are 3 things I’m doing to release myself from the burden of arrival and to redefine my relationship between happiness and success. I encourage you to adopt whatever resonates with you.
Make time for intentional self-reflection. I think about my life every day. It’s basically all I do. Intentional reflection means regularly setting aside to be real with myself about what I’m holding on to from the past, where I’ve set unrealistic expectations about my future, and having gratitude for the present. I set a 20-minute timer to reflect as I drink my cup of coffee. I open my Notes App, and I get it all out. Good, bad, questionable… all of it. Then I make a conscious effort to move on with my day, focusing only on the present.
Set Process-Oriented Goals. Instead of solely focusing on outcome-based goals, I’ve decided to shift my perspective to embrace process-oriented goals. Focusing on actions and behaviors I engage in daily rather than being hyper-focused on the result. By concentrating on the process, I’m hoping to derive satisfaction from the journey itself, regardless of the outcome. (If you’re interested in this, read this.)
Celebrate Milestones Along the Way. This is one we constantly come back to here at narrative. I’m committing to taking time to celebrate my achievements, no matter how small they may seem. By doing so, I’m redistributing the weight of my accomplishments, allowing myself to reap the rewards of my efforts today, not if and when I have/do/am, the thing I’m chasing.
Dr. Gay wasn’t the only university president who sat above this cauldron of pressure. Numerous leaders of schools across the country cautiously navigated the gaping topic awkwardly, trying their absolute best to deliver tranquility in a nearly impossible situation. Former University of Pennsylvania president Liz Magill, also criticized by Ackman, resigned back in December in the face of antisemitic accusations following widely criticized remarks at a congressional hearing.
While there was an overwhelming amount of calls for Dr. Gay’s resignation, she has had support along the way from people at Congress and on campus. Well over five hundred Harvard professors signed a letter on Dec. 12th, vouching for her, urging the university to resist calls of removing her from office. Alison Frank Johnson, Chair of the Department of Germanic Languages and Literatures at Harvard was one of the professors who signed the letter. She expressed her feelings of shock about the resignation during an interview last week with CNN’s Jake Tapper.
Countless instances of scholarly misconduct, including plagiarism, can be highlighted by numerous distinguished professors, scholars, and leaders from across the globe. Notably, Justice Neil Gorsuch faced widespread criticism from Democrats during his 2017 Supreme Court nomination for the nearly-dozen counts of unaddressed plagiarism in his scholarly work. However, he was still elected into the Supreme Court and his work is still widely cited today. Asking a university president to resign due to plagiarism, or due to a congressional hearing that was admittedly misworded but also extremely taken out of context, is one of the more explicit cases of double standards that Black women in power face frequently. All of this to say: the irony of “becoming aware” of the accusations against her academic writings arriving in late October, weeks into the war in the Middle East, is all but coincidental.
Immediately following her resignation, leaders of the revolt against former president Gay celebrated the news across numerous platforms including social media, as if a great victory had been won. One of the more infamous voices that sounded off in commemoration was conservative anti-DEI advocate Christopher Rufo, the one who brought both allegations of plagiarism and antisemitism into the public spotlight. “This is the beginning of the end for DEI in America's institutions," said Rufo in a social media post. "We will expose you. We will outmaneuver you. And we will not stop fighting until we have restored colorblind equality in our great nation.”
When pondering whether Claudine Gay resigned from Harvard due to plagiarism, anti-semitic comments, and criticisms about her leadership, or lack thereof, ask yourself this: would she have gotten more opportunities at redemption if she weren’t a Black woman? Would Harvard stand firmly by her side if, let’s say, she was a white man? The nearly 400-year-norm at Harvard, before Claudine Gay and former president Drew Gilpin Faust, the university’s first female president who led the school from 2007-2018.
Contrary to the sentiments of Christopher Rufo and millions of people like him, for many of us - DEI is crucial. Especially those who come from marginalized backgrounds. Without it, the very thing that you seek to cancel and destroy, people like Claudine Gay would never have an opportunity to become president of the most prestigious school in the country.
It’s fitting that the vast majority of people who are adamantly against diversity, equity, and inclusion, are not only privileged and unaware of the privileges they were born with, but are incoherent and blind to the harsh realities that exist, and have been in existence for quite some time. They have no idea what it’s like to have to work three times as hard for a position than your white male counterpart, regardless if you’re overqualified. And if and when you’re “granted” a seat at the table, it typically comes with far less pay and much more scrutiny. Far less room to make mistakes, if you will.
The false, fatigued, and thoroughly impudent narrative of Black women being too incompetent to excel in positions of power needs to conclude, today. Especially in the realm of academia, where the importance of seeing Black faces thrive throughout grounds shared by brilliant minds, is more mountainous now than ever before. The same biased, imbalanced, and lackluster playing cards that are constantly given to our people in this country, can no longer be dealt.
Seeing Black women excel in executive roles such as CEOs, owners & founders, innovators, distinguished board members, and especially as presidents of universities, is vital. Not only for Black women but for all women who come from marginalized backgrounds. We have younger sisters who are growing into magnificent women. Brilliant, kind, intuitive, empathetic, and daring. These traits will be crucial as they maneuver through the world and crossover into adulthood. Nothing is ever promised, but one can almost guarantee that they will certainly face the same ill-favored and disproportionate treatment as Claudine Gay, in whichever career they choose to pursue.
The dialogue surrounding this topic, at the very least, could assist the next generation of Black leaders and thinkers by extending more cognizance to the world and bringing our issues to the forefront. By spreading more awareness toward egregious agendas deeply rooted within the core of certain political groups in this country, we can sow unbiased and uncontaminated intentions of identifying these cases of prejudiced treatment toward Black women and people on a wider margin, into the fabric of true equality and equity, for us. One day, people other than our own and the few allies we have will possess the ability to promptly recognize immoral and inequitable treatment the moment they sense it, and hopefully, extinguish the fire of hatred that used to be suppressed on the surface - but is now clearer than ever.
